#109 | Talking to your partner about money

August 9, 2021

Episode Summary:

 

In this week’s episode, we share tips and advice for how to talk to your partner about money.  Getting aligned with your partner about money can be such a positive boost for your relationship.  Money is the number one issue couples fight about, and it’s a topic many couples avoid discussing altogether.  It’s great if you and your partner are already on the same page when it comes to money, but this isn’t the case for many people.  We share why talking to your partner about money is important, share some supporting research and stats, and give our best tips and tactics for talking to your partner about money.  

 

Episode Notes:

 

We start with a few listener comments and questions, and then dig into our best advice on talking to your partner about money.  Money and your finances is an important thing to talk about with your partner.  Even if you both come from different backgrounds or perspectives, you still need to talk about it openly and get to some common ground and practices.  

 

Talking to your partner about money is important.  Do not avoid this discussion.  

 

Your finances can have a big effect on the health of your relationship.  Money should be like kids, religion, politics, or any other important topic that you want to be aligned on before deciding to make a life with someone.  You should not be afraid to talk to your partner about it, whether you’re early on in a relationship or ten years into your marriage; it’s never too late.  Knowing each other‘s views and willingness to listen and take feedback and adjust approaches is important to have a healthy relationship. At some point, if your partner is not willing to talk about or budge on these topics, it could be an issue you’re not able to get past, but it shouldn’t be an issue you’re afraid to talk about.  Are you afraid to talk about whether or not they want kids?  Maybe earlier on you are, but eventually, it’s a topic you need to talk about; money is the same!  The question of kids often comes up earlier in a relationship, and if it’s not a fit, then it’s not a fit.  We would put money into a similar category, except it might be easier to adjust and shift somebody’s view on money than their view of whether they want kids. 

 

Here are a few stats on divorce and money to remind you why this matters:

 

  • Feeling that one’s spouse spent money foolishly increased the likelihood of divorce 45% for both men and women.  
  • Couples that argue about finances at least once a week are 30% more likely to get a divorce.  
  • Higher annual incomes can decrease the risk of divorce, and couples that build wealth together vs. debt together have a higher success rate.  
  • Various studies cite that 30-40% of divorces happen over disagreements about money.  Money fighting is the second leading cause of divorce, behind infidelity.  

 

On the flip side of these stats, getting aligned with your partner about money can be incredibly empowering and a big positive boost for your relationship.  We also did an episode on Happiness, sex, and money (Episode #23); we talk about how improving your finances increases your mental health, physical health, self-esteem, sex life, and overall happiness.  

 

Tips + Tactics for talking to your partner about money:

  • Start talking about your life goals and your WHY.  What’s important to you?  What’s important to your spouse?  How long do you want to work?  How do you envision your retirement?  What are your dreams?  What are your fears?  What makes you happy?  If you have kids or plan to have kids, what’s important for you re: their schooling and college?
  • Admit your own mistakes, and consider starting with yourself before you even encourage or push your spouse in any way.  You can tell your spouse what you’re doing and see if they willingly jump on board, but don’t push too hard before you’ve got your own house in order.  Yes, you might need to cut back your spending while your spouse is still getting you further into debt; swallow your pride and control what you can just to get started.  
  • Be vulnerable. Do things to make the discussion non-confrontational, like hold their hand while you’re talking to them.  Be loving and kind.  Don’t be confrontational and judgemental.  Express your own fears, your doubts, and listen to theirs.  Think about what will make your partner feel safe and loved during this discussion.  
  • Gather all of your numbers together into one spreadsheet, piece of paper, whatever makes sense for you.  Know where you currently stand.  Track your net worth.  
  • Discuss and create goals for each of you individually and for you as a couple.  
  • Co-create plans to reach those goals.  
  • Make it fun, and build in rewards.  Perhaps each month, when you do a finance check-in discussion and budget review, you do it over takeout from your favorite restaurant (assuming that fits into your money goal).  Set up rewards for you two as a couple if you meet certain financial goals.  This could be a vacation if you hit your budget six months in a row or if you reach your debt-payoff target.   
  • If they like a good friendly competition and that inspires them, then do a budget-tracking exercise to see who can spend the least amount of money in a month.  If they hate competition, then definitely don’t do this!
  • Find the angle they are interested in and lean into that, even if it’s a bit different than where you were initially headed.  For example, maybe they are excited to become debt-free, but they are less focused on early retirement.  That’s okay, and take the initial progress of getting to debt-free.  Take this one step at a time if you need to.  
  • Create a curriculum to listen to together.  @thepriceofavocadotoast listened to Dave Ramsey book together while in the car.  Read a book, watch some YouTube videos, or listen to the same podcast.  “Money on the table” is a good YouTube series to watch together to open up some discussions, or read or watch Playing with FIRE.
  • Suggest a podcast or two to friends to get others to open up the conversation with them.  The reality is sometimes it’s just easier to talk to strangers about things versus your good friends. 
  • Call in a pro if needed.  Sometimes you just might need a 3rd party.  We recommend you find a money coach for this, not a financial planner. 
  • Consider talking to some other couple friends if your partner is open to that approach.  If they are not opening up to this topic with you, they may not be ready to talk to other people, but when you are we have an episode on how to talk to your friends about money.  

 

 

Top 3 takeaways:

  1. It’s incredibly important to discuss money with your partner.  It’s not a topic you can or should avoid.  
  2. Start by getting your own house in order; sometimes that can be contagious and the easiest path for everyone.  
  3. Start the topic with your partner, and be thoughtful in your approach.  Ask questions, listen, and don’t judge.  Pick a few tips from our list that you think would be most appropriate for your situation.  

 

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