Episode Summary
We talk with Ben from FIafter40 about the financial impact of divorce and more broadly relationships and money. We dig into Ben’s childhood and how his family talked about money, what Ben’s first marriage was like and how they treated and talked about money, and how Ben discusses money in his current relationship. In many ways Ben’s divorce was the moment that prompted him to take a closer look at his financial reality. It’s a vulnerable and enlightening discussion where we all discuss how money and relationships work together, and our learnings from what can happen if you avoid talking about money.
Episode Notes
Ben is a divorced dad of 2 living in New Hampshire that started the blog and podcast FIafter40 in early 2020. We start off with a brief discussion on the reality that divorce and money is often a topic people don’t talk about. Money itself can be taboo, but throw in divorce and it’s a tough topic for many. We believe talking about money can improve your life, and this is the case before, during, and after a divorce also.
We discuss a number of topics with Ben:
- How he is earlier on his path to financial independence because he got a later start in life.
- As a child, Ben didn’t talk about money much. He remembered his parents avoiding opening mail because of bills and he himself learned to avoid conflict and just not talk about money as it could be a contentious topic.
- Ben shares how he didn’t really take a hard look at his financial habits and situation until he went through his divorce. He shares that sometimes you have to go through certain experiences to really learn this stuff.
- He’s learned over the years he can tend to avoid conflict. This self-reflection and awareness is important for creating new habits around money and moving forward productively.
- In Ben’s first marriage his wife was actually better with money than he was, but their entire marriage was paycheck to paycheck. It was a slow build. And he admits he was likely the bad influence on her financially. They got to a place in their marriage where they were treading water and that felt like a good thing.
- He did not want to fight about money so he would just avoid the topics. He would shut down the discussion if things got at all difficult, and just say don’t worry I’ll deal with it. But he didn’t really deal with it.
- Around the time Ben got divorced, Ben was at a point in his life where he felt like everything should be peeking financially, but instead it was falling apart. He couldn’t change that relationship or what happened, but he could improve things financially.
- Going through a divorce triggered some good behavior changes for Ben. Some good things and bad things came out of it financially. On the positive side, they had to sell their home which gave them back a lot of equity and they had to review all of their assets which gave them a hard dose of reality on their finances. On the harder side, he now had the burden of child support and alimony which can put a significant drain on his finances.
- Ironically, the first time he and his then wife sat down and had legitimate conversations about finances was when they were going through a divorce after 12 years of marriage.
- They were in denial about what they were doing with their money. This is the stuff they should have been talking about the whole time.
- His FIafter40 blog first came about as a way to personally document this journey he was going on.
- Ben discusses talking about finances as you’re entering a new relationship post-divorce, and shares that the blog and podcast definitely create a more transparent environment to discuss money.
- We each share some insights on our relationships and how we’ve talked about money and brought each other along.
- We discuss pre-nups. Ben’s never considered on, and Maggie tries to convince Ben why they are so important and valuable. We make some comparisons between wills and prenups.
Our top 3 takeaways for this episode:
- Be open and communicative with your partner about money. Talk about the specifics of your net worth, financial specifics, and what’s important to you financially in life.
- If you’re living paycheck to paycheck and just barely getting by, spend some time assessing what you’re spending your money on. Improving your finances together with your spouse can have a positive impact on your relationship.
- Though divorce can be tough financially, it can also be the trigger you may need to do some self-reflection and improve your finances. You can take a tough situation and turn it into a positive.
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Show References