Episode Summary:
In this episode, we talk about how to set boundaries and say no, with your time and with your money. Learning to set boundaries is a critical skill that will help you live a happier, more fulfilled life, and that’s what we’re all about. We discuss why boundaries matter and specific tips and tools to create more boundaries with your time and money.
Episode Notes:
Why boundaries matter:
- Boundaries create future freedom and capacity for unexpected things, also known as margin.
- You need to get good at saying no to protect your time and your money.
- Setting boundaries is a form of self-care.
- Setting boundaries is just setting expectations; you need to set expectations so others will have clear guidelines on how you’d like to be treated.
- Not having boundaries can lead to resentment, burnout, feeling taken advantage of, feeling taken for granted, hurt, or anger.
- Not having boundaries can make you feel responsible for others’ happiness over your happiness. However, there are times when being “selfish” is quite important.
- Setting boundaries is taking responsibility for your own life. Or, in the case of money, your finances!
Setting boundaries with your time:
- Boundaries are just setting expectations. You often may need to say NO to things to set those expectations.
- Setting boundaries is about taking yourself and your time seriously enough to give it a voice in your life and advocate for yourself.
- Setting boundaries is having integrity. If I say yes to something, I want to show up with my best self, and I can’t do that on everything.
- We often make commitments based on some hopefully future version of ourselves that may not exist. Consider the future when deciding what to commit to, and be realistic. Remember what it feels like to be overcommitted and think about that feeling when deciding something.
- Flip the script and reframe things. Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries and taking the freedoms you need to be happy and balanced in life; feel guilty for not doing this.
- Remember, every time you say yes to someone else you are re saying no to your kids or your other priorities.
- Know your why.
- Set time limits or constraints.
- It’s either a hell yes or a no way. Limit the in-betweens. Though if/when it’s appropriate, you could present some alternatives; e.g., I can’t do that, but here’s what I can do instead.
- You can say no after you’ve already said yes.
- Leverage an accountability partner or friend. Run things by them in advance. I often use my husband Greg for this.
- Remember that you must put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help other people. Your oxygen mask is boundaries.
- Keep a “no log.”
Setting boundaries with your money:
- Saying no to yourself and saying no to your kids.
- Mindset around what creates true happiness – it’s not stuff.
- Avoid FOMO.
- Avoid lifestyle inflation.
- Avoid trying to impress other people, aka keeping up with the Joneses.
A few final thoughts and warnings on boundaries:
- Don’t let boundaries be an excuse for being lazy or cheap.
- We need to balance freedom/self-care with the impact we have in life.
- We need to re-frame and re-shape our self-image to have the confidence to set boundaries, reframe our inner dialogue to remove guilt and judgment from the idea of setting boundaries and invest in your growth in this area to create freedom and let ourselves and others see the value we create.
Top 3 takeaways:
- Setting boundaries is a good thing; think of it as setting expectations.
- You need to get good at saying no to protect your time and your money.
- This is a journey, and be kind to yourself as you get better as this; your confidence will grow over time.
Show References:
- Friends on FIRE episode #035 – 10 F.I.R.E. Extinguishers + How to avoid them
- Friends on FIRE episode #158 – Control your lifestyle to find financial freedom
- Friends on FIRE episode #045 – Essentialism + Money